Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Redos, Revamps, Relaunches, and Recycled Plot Lines

Some Movies are so timeless, so in sync with certain generations.....that they will surely become something greater than just mere digital data or photons captured on chemical surfaces.  And then, like a giant bout of laughter at the most serious of events, the enchantment is over, and some guy in a suit in Hollywood decides to re-create the same exact movie, so that he may ruin it for generations to come.  Ladies and Gentlemen of the Blog, I present to you, The "Redos, Revamps, and Relaunches."

Now don't get me wrong, sometimes a relaunch is warranted.  If you need an example try watching a Joel Schumacher "Batman" right after watching a Christopher Nolan "Batman."   However, the best "Relaunched" ideas are usually from the superhero world.  So, when you see a re-make or relaunch of anything that is not based on a comic book of some kind...you might want to shoot up a red flag in your mind.  Enjoy the list.

1. Footloose
Yes, I know...I am with you, my beloved readers.  Our collective minds are all asking the same question.  "Why do we need to remake such a great movie?"  Let's see what we have to begin with.  Great 80's Music, Great athletic 80's dancing, quintessential 80's montage, overbearing 80's parent-characters, Kevin Bacon!!! And even a Tractor Chicken Challenge scene.  Now what in the world can possibly out shine that?!?  oh, well maybe if I lower my IQ by 50 points, I might enjoy provocative country dancing, a cast of "who are these people?"  and basically, the recreation of the original "Footloose" as told by a 5 year old with ADHD.

2.  The Change-Up
Anyone out there just think that some movies are the result of out-of-work writers sitting around watching Comedy Central and TNT all day?  Well, this is your big chance to prove us all wrong Hollywood.  D'oh!  Anyone out there want to know what this movie is about, well watch 1983's "Trading Places" and add a dash of 2000's "The Family Man" (but without all of the sad realism of Nicolas Cage)  and then add Ryan Reynold's "Van Wilder" character with the sad but true life of Jason Bateman's "Extract" character....and viola!  you have a perfectly made movie completely from recycled parts.  Now that's GREEN thinking for you!  Thank you Hollywood, thank you.

3.  The Three Musketeers
Yes, if anything that Hollywood has done complete justice to recently, it is the transformation of Alexandre Dumas' works into that of film.  Oh wait, that was sarcasm.  One more time people.  This film has the following items in it;  Fem Fatale Assassin,  Inconsistant Language for the setting, Inconsistant Accents with the settings,  Inconsistant Accents between Characters, A handful of puns, and a sacrilegious amount of plot devices that are not even in the same category as Dumas' original title.  Now, I am okay with taking an idea and running with it....but when the movie itself states the words "Novel", "Alexandre Dumas", and "From The"  I have to expect some level of authenticity.

4.  Fright Night
The 1985 classic horror movie born again, not unlike the claims of Hollywood actors shortly after going through rehab.  Why now?  I have no idea....oh wait, that's IT!   "I have no idea"  is most likely the answer that some executive gave to another executive when the question "What are we going to do now for money?" was asked.  ah yes, it is all starting to make sense.  I will however say this,  When it comes to the Halloweeny season, I do have a craving for thillers, so I will keep my eye on this one, and if it seems to please the audience, I will be watching this come late October.

5.  The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
Yes, I saved the best for last.  and by "Best" you all know exactly where I am going with this.  The runaway hit novels, transformed into beautiful Swedish Cinematography, are now being "English-erized" so that lazy people don't have to read subtitles.  Although we will sacrafice all sorts of levels of authenticity, Swedish culture, language contexts, and even the irreplaceable and most haunting portrayals done by Noomi Rapace,  I am sure that the revamping of this movie will be subpar, or even "mediocre at best."  yep, good stuff people.  Way to trade in gold for tin foil.  If you want my Advice....Watch the Swedish Original films!  or better yet, pick up the books!


  1. Girl with the Dragon Tattoo....that's so dumb. ugh a remake NOW? I think there needs to be a 10 year minimum rule for remakes
    this upsets me as much as the Death at a funeral remake...

  2. thank you for your comments, I also felt that "Death At a Funeral" Never needed to be remade, and flopped so hard....so stinking hard.

  3. there was no need for a remake with Death at a funeral, nor does Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. if subtitles bother people that much, get dubs...

  4. I think the first foot loose set the bar kinda high, and it is super cheesy for them to use the same scene where Kevin Bacon dance out his rage in the warehouse, but we will see how those those "original" ideas in Hollywood come together.